(no subject)

So for those who don't know, M and I are living together again, on the condition that I have my own space, with a door, that she never enters.

I haven't been able to use that space lately, was feeling too badly and there isn't usable furniture there (M was in charge or taking care of that before she moved back in, and didn't on time, and after I needed her AWAY from that space, and decided to take the time cause I just could not handle that. There was also a bunch of garbage there that I was gearing up to throw out, but it was taking very long, mostly because whenever I gathered some energy, I mostly had to use it on dealing with M.

So today I left the house for a few hours , and came back to find a lot of the trash that had been in the room outside in the garbage can. And I was just wishing she hadn't, that there was some sort of explanation - but no. It turns out she went into my space, and decided what needed to be thrown out, and threw it out. I feel so violated and so - just - sad.

She explained that she believed it was consensual, cause a long time ago I told her I wasn't able to do it myself. Two days ago she dropped something in my stuff and I explained (again) that her even looking at it makes me nervous, and I gave up doing my stuff to find that thing for her just so she doesn't go through my things at all. She has ALWAYS made up dumb excuse to tell herself that things I clarified beyond clarification were off limits, were not.

I can't believe she did that.

I can't believe this is my life.

fluffy comfort and nothing but (vague spoiler for 10x22, Bencestiel cuddling)

Wrote this not-fic yesterday for sad people on Tumblr. It's seriously just fluffy fluff and barely that. Might be comforting, though.

Just letting you know, that the real Sam, Cas, Benny and Dean are now napping in a pile of fluffy pillows, all curled up around each other. They've been watching the show and Cas read about Jared and everything on Tumblr (cause Tumblr is cross-dimensional), and they got worried and sad

So they made a bunch of comfort food and watched My Little Pony and Dean's fingers just touched Sam just to make sure, and Sam's head was in Benny's lap and his fingers digging into Dean's abdomen, and Benny was petting Sam’s hair and Sam was not thinking how comfortable that certain part of Benny was, and how comforting his touch was,

and Cas wrapped himself around Dean, unaware he was holding the place where Dean’s mark wasn’t, holding it almost tight enough for Dean to b uncomfortable, but Dean didn’t complain cause he sorta needed to feel that too.

And Cas was fascinated by the show, “I too used to wonder what friendship could be before I met you, Dean”, and Sam snorted and Benny kissed Cas’ forehead and then the food was ready, so they brought in all in front of the TV and cuddled even closer together.

And Sam was falling asleep, Dean squeezed his arm and said - you know I don’t - I would never - I’m sorry, Sam - and Sam hugged him and told him not to be stupid, that wasn’t at all them! - but something unknotted in his chest, in his throat

Heh!

Came across something like this on Tumblr:

"Don't worry! Sam will be ok! Cas is there with him
and Cas will use his grace and do everything he can
to ease up the double penetration!"

So it was not a spoiler for the finale after all

or


I hope I'm wrong

writing makes me care + food silliness

A while back I started writing a story about Gen taking the kids and driving off - as it turned out, to hunt a wendigo -
and writing her made me love her all that more
(which btw, if you feel like sending some comfort and love her way, might be good, this can't be easy for her, and she just keeps getting so many 'take care of Jared' messages)

but anyway - for me, writing someone, or even just some kink - will often make me feel that is is 'mine' somehow - under my protection, such as it is, something I care about at least a bit.

So some time back I filled this prompt about Dean delighting in eating things you shouldn't eat.
I put a lot of love into writing that and coming up with ideas for it, though I probably missed the mark kinkwise, cause I don't exactly understand (I'd like to) -
(and I know there could be more emotional depth to it)

but I did care a lot about it,

so when I came across this, I got excited:

(also, it is just cool. And makes me worried. Don't try this unsafely please....)

(no subject)

When this is over, we should have a little talk about what Jensen in fact said when he 'thanked fans for their support of Jared at this time'


Oh, nm now, look, cute belly

(no subject)

I've been trying to do the thing and tell people about my problems, inabilities and fears, for all they feel like horrifying sins, for all \i have trouble expressing them and sometimes people don't understand or say things that break me down even more, or blame me, or use my vulnerability against me, for all it's sometimes legit dangerous for me. More than that, though, some people have been truly - friends, caring, understanding, or just there for me. Even just saying small things like - that it's not my fault, or making me laugh, or sending me a hug, or saying that I'm not just imagining things or that I'm not just making a huge deal out of something silly, or that it is ok to get angry, or that it is ok to be unable. Some of you have been those people, are those people, and even some of the first people to be there for my first steps of trying to share, and have been so incredibly meaningful for me in that (and other things, too 3) -
of course I have a long long way still to go, but fuck, that has made and still makes a huge difference in my life. Thank you. You know, even just that it is ok to ask for help or to be supported by anyone, that that is not a sin, not a horrible thing to do to them in essence (of course saying no is an important option).

There has been a lot of talk lately about support - and you are being so wonderful for me, and you make a huge difference.
You