BDSM and Non-Sexual Kink
Dec. 19th, 2013 01:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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nagasasu 's promt, and is part of the December Days meme. If you feel like it, you can prompt me too, here. Images aren't mine - linking back to where they're from.
[this is personal and intimate information. Read on only if you are comfortable being exposed to that, and if you appreciate and respect me sharing that, please.]
A few months ago, I realized I have this major thing for Praise Kink, which at the time was even more mind blowing to me, because it was a non-sexual thing. It was this new realization and it really rattled me. I walked around for a while in a constant state of being mind blown. How could this move me so deeply? How could I not have known, not even have imagined needing this?
It was somewhat like the first time I was (role play only) kissed by a guy as a guy. Then I went around for a couple of days just burning with it, feeling like I owned the world, and like I wanted to gobble it all up. It was life changing. But then it was sexual. I was turned on, in love with my own theoretical dick, I suddenly understood all those jackass guys who consider their cock the best thing in creation.
This was a lot like that, but it wasn't sexual. It was this big need, revelation. I kept thinking about it, experiencing it, craving it. I was (extremely) lucky to have a partner willing to give it a try, and that was amazing. And I was also very lucky to have a friend to talk it over with (you know who you are - thank you :)) . It seriously didn't go smoothly, plenty of misunderstandings and bumps in the road. And because it meant so much to me, and because I'm apparently more sensitive than I used to be, those hurt a lot.
It's still a thing I'm figuring out and exploring, but the major need for it has subsided. It somehow became more about subbing - a need I've kinda touched upon in the past, but never got to explore, I was almost always a Dom, and while I did is partially out of curiosity, as something fun or sexy, and to a small extent because it answered some need in me - generally I did it as a nice thing for other people. That was probably not the very best idea for me, I'm not good enough at being in touch with my own needs and boundaries to be safe doing that. And the people I played with didn't realize as a Dom I still needed to be safe and needed to be cared for. It's not an easy thing to do, though, I admit.
I like not having to Dom, though I believe that I do have that drive in me. Wanting to take someone apart and find out what's inside, wanting to get them in touch with their vulnerability, to get to see all that beauty, get them in touch with their pain, and make it better, to whatever extent I can, in a session, wanting to sooth, wanting to have things my way with out having to worry about every little thing (which is bullshit, Domming is all about exactly that, in many cases), wanting to know how to do something well, to have clear rules, clear communication about what works, how and why, wanting to feel in control, perhaps, though I believe it's more about my need to please, to do well, to get things right .
Subbing is a need I certainly feel, these days. It has to do with how helpless I feel most of the time, probably. My need to be reassured, to allow myself to be weak, unable, to be loved when I'm seriously not strong. It also probably has to do with reclaiming sexual violence for my own, as something - as sort of a way to make it better, to fix it...
And it's a way to get the negotiation, communication, legitimacy to say no, mutual attentiveness and carefulness that I need in any sexual/non-sexual such encounter, but is harder for me to insist on in "regular" sex. Not that I really have any of that, anymore.
I've recently started dating someone, and though I like her and am attracted to her, I found that I seriously don't want to actually have sex. Perhaps it's cause it's just a touchy subject for me.I've been assaulted several times, and in addition, I just wasn't aware that I "was allowed to" say no to sex I didn't actively want, "just because" of my feelings. Still working on that. I feel a little uncomfortable writing about that, because it takes my experiences away from me. It's such a stereotype, and I'm not sure the cliches are right about me. I need my experiences to stay belonging to me, and not be co-opted for either side of the pro/anti sex wars. Perhaps for other reasons.
Regardless, I've been wondering whether I want sex-sex at all. I don't know, not sure. I like some things, mostly making out things, though some of them are more sensual than sexual. But not only, that I know for sure. And I like them perhaps only with people I'm very very close with. ATM, there's no one I'd feel comfortable touching me sexually beyond that. And as for penetration - I asked myself about it, and the thought of never ever having to be penetrated again made me so happy and turned on I masturbated to it. Sharing this cause it amuses me. Don't know whether I'll always feel that way, but that isn't as relevant - feeling that way now/.
I wondered whether perhaps I was asexual after all, but from what I've read on AVEN, it's not about wanting or not wanting to have actual sex, but about being o not being sexually attracted to anyone. And I am definitely attracted to people, I just don't seem to want to have sex with them. Someone on the forums described it as the difference between enjoying the smell of coffee and wanting to actually drink coffee. I get that with croissants and fresh bread and popcorn. They smell so amazing, but I mostly don't enjoy eating them. Definitely not as much as I imagine enjoying them when i smell them. Not sure I'm writing off the asexuality thing, I definitely feel I'm *something*, but perhaps for now I need to figure out more what I feel and need ...
nagasasu 's promt, and is part of the December Days meme. If you feel like it, you can prompt me too, here. Images aren't mine - linking back to where they're from. [this is personal and intimate information. Read on only if you are comfortable being exposed to that, and if you appreciate and respect me sharing that, please.]
A few months ago, I realized I have this major thing for Praise Kink, which at the time was even more mind blowing to me, because it was a non-sexual thing. It was this new realization and it really rattled me. I walked around for a while in a constant state of being mind blown. How could this move me so deeply? How could I not have known, not even have imagined needing this?
It was somewhat like the first time I was (role play only) kissed by a guy as a guy. Then I went around for a couple of days just burning with it, feeling like I owned the world, and like I wanted to gobble it all up. It was life changing. But then it was sexual. I was turned on, in love with my own theoretical dick, I suddenly understood all those jackass guys who consider their cock the best thing in creation.
This was a lot like that, but it wasn't sexual. It was this big need, revelation. I kept thinking about it, experiencing it, craving it. I was (extremely) lucky to have a partner willing to give it a try, and that was amazing. And I was also very lucky to have a friend to talk it over with (you know who you are - thank you :)) . It seriously didn't go smoothly, plenty of misunderstandings and bumps in the road. And because it meant so much to me, and because I'm apparently more sensitive than I used to be, those hurt a lot.
It's still a thing I'm figuring out and exploring, but the major need for it has subsided. It somehow became more about subbing - a need I've kinda touched upon in the past, but never got to explore, I was almost always a Dom, and while I did is partially out of curiosity, as something fun or sexy, and to a small extent because it answered some need in me - generally I did it as a nice thing for other people. That was probably not the very best idea for me, I'm not good enough at being in touch with my own needs and boundaries to be safe doing that. And the people I played with didn't realize as a Dom I still needed to be safe and needed to be cared for. It's not an easy thing to do, though, I admit.
I like not having to Dom, though I believe that I do have that drive in me. Wanting to take someone apart and find out what's inside, wanting to get them in touch with their vulnerability, to get to see all that beauty, get them in touch with their pain, and make it better, to whatever extent I can, in a session, wanting to sooth, wanting to have things my way with out having to worry about every little thing (which is bullshit, Domming is all about exactly that, in many cases), wanting to know how to do something well, to have clear rules, clear communication about what works, how and why, wanting to feel in control, perhaps, though I believe it's more about my need to please, to do well, to get things right .
Subbing is a need I certainly feel, these days. It has to do with how helpless I feel most of the time, probably. My need to be reassured, to allow myself to be weak, unable, to be loved when I'm seriously not strong. It also probably has to do with reclaiming sexual violence for my own, as something - as sort of a way to make it better, to fix it...
And it's a way to get the negotiation, communication, legitimacy to say no, mutual attentiveness and carefulness that I need in any sexual/non-sexual such encounter, but is harder for me to insist on in "regular" sex. Not that I really have any of that, anymore.
I've recently started dating someone, and though I like her and am attracted to her, I found that I seriously don't want to actually have sex. Perhaps it's cause it's just a touchy subject for me.
Regardless, I've been wondering whether I want sex-sex at all. I don't know, not sure. I like some things, mostly making out things, though some of them are more sensual than sexual. But not only, that I know for sure. And I like them perhaps only with people I'm very very close with. ATM, there's no one I'd feel comfortable touching me sexually beyond that. And as for penetration - I asked myself about it, and the thought of never ever having to be penetrated again made me so happy and turned on I masturbated to it. Sharing this cause it amuses me. Don't know whether I'll always feel that way, but that isn't as relevant - feeling that way now/.
I wondered whether perhaps I was asexual after all, but from what I've read on AVEN, it's not about wanting or not wanting to have actual sex, but about being o not being sexually attracted to anyone. And I am definitely attracted to people, I just don't seem to want to have sex with them. Someone on the forums described it as the difference between enjoying the smell of coffee and wanting to actually drink coffee. I get that with croissants and fresh bread and popcorn. They smell so amazing, but I mostly don't enjoy eating them. Definitely not as much as I imagine enjoying them when i smell them. Not sure I'm writing off the asexuality thing, I definitely feel I'm *something*, but perhaps for now I need to figure out more what I feel and need ...
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no subject
Date: 2013-12-19 02:12 pm (UTC)also, I would NEVER get amusement from your pain, but your turn of phase with the non-penetration/masturbation story was too funny not snorkle at.
it's completely OK (obviously) for you NOT to talk or write about things you don't want to talk about. It's kind of how I feel about my cancer. I actually have a close friend who has a similar cancer story to mine in so much as we had the same kind around the same age. She now is all about tri-athaloning and shit for the cure and that whole feel good thing and does not understand why I won't relay with her. It's so hard to say, look, this is something that wrecked my life and is really painful for me and I work EVERY day at not thinking about. I then follow up with how surviving victims of serial killers would never form a group and wear matching shirts and ribbons and shit. Maybe that's a bit extreme, but I'm nothing if not dramatic.
no subject
Date: 2013-12-19 02:24 pm (UTC)I know you don't mock me, it's laughing with me... I wrote that with you in mind, really.
As for cancer - I am so so sorry, that is a tiggery topic for me, I can't talk about it.
no subject
Date: 2013-12-19 06:43 pm (UTC)The way you wrote about the transition between dom/sub dynamics was particularly interesting. Also your realization that you liked praise kink! Sexuality and kinks can be such an...amorphous blob that are hard to parse out, you know? And it's so satisfying (like a lightbulb over one's head!) when something just clicks and one makes a realization or can describe or classify something they like or crave.
no subject
Date: 2013-12-20 11:52 am (UTC)Thank you so much for the comment. You know, your comments always feel so thought through, attentive and earnest, I appreciate that so much. They often stay with me.
Sexuality and kinks can be such an...amorphous blob that are hard to parse out, you know? And it's so satisfying (like a lightbulb over one's head!) when something just clicks and one makes a realization or can describe or classify something they like or crave.
Yes! Exactly!
And I like it when an exploration/discovery brings up possibilities for joy.
no subject
Date: 2013-12-20 04:00 pm (UTC)You're the sweetest. ♥
no subject
Date: 2013-12-23 02:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-20 04:00 am (UTC)I never thought about it exactly that way, but it's very true, and I think it's one of the appeals of BDSM. It gives permission and a formalized space to do what you really ought to be doing anyway--talking about what you want and need.
It's such a stereotype, and I'm not sure the cliches are right about me. I need my experiences to stay belonging to me, and not be co-opted for either side of the pro/anti sex wars.
Yes! I totally understand that. It's so easy for your life experiences to sound like they belong in one particular box. And then people try to shove you in there, and act all confused when you don't fit.
I wondered whether perhaps I was asexual after all, but from what I've read on AVEN, it's not about wanting or not wanting to have actual sex, but about being o not being sexually attracted to anyone. And I am definitely attracted to people, I just don't seem to want to have sex with them.
I feel like labels with precise definitions can be unhelpful sometimes, because they're never going to capture the variety of lived experience, and then if you don't fit into them it can become just another way that you're 'wrong'. Maybe at this particular point in your life you fall under the sort of catch-all category of gray-A? But in a week or a year that might not be who you are at all.
no subject
Date: 2013-12-20 03:28 pm (UTC)I think I'll take your wise suggestion.
I'm just worried about appropriating a label - people do that sometimes, you know - it's cool to be part of a group like that, without actually having suffered the things that make it less fun, the things that make the group necessary to begin with. I once had some person who used the label "genderqueer" without, I believe, even understanding its meaning, take over a conversation and "teach" me how to be genderqueer better. I don't want to do that to anyone, and I know how incredibly easy it is to do that without realizing it...but OTOH, I very much agree with what you're saying about labels, and creating a situation in which it becomes just another way to be 'wrong' <3
That touched me a lot.
Thank you <3
no subject
Date: 2013-12-22 12:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-23 07:31 pm (UTC)I do feel there are small but significant places in which it would be problematic for me to participate, if I'm not "really" ace, whatever that "really" thing means. First, if I get to be part of the group, I might want to move to change the definition, or add a sub-category to it, where I wouldn't be "wrong" but where I could fit, me and others like me. So - like genderqueers to transgender people - or like annoying people like the one I mentioned - that would be sort of "telling asexuals who they are". And that could be awesome cause it'd make known and make room for a sort of ace existence that doesn't have a place at the moment - or it could be really intrusive. I don't know how to read that.
And also things as silly as - a person I know knitted an ace scarf, and asked who wanted it. I do want it. Mostly cause it'd mean belonging, to me, that's something that I want. As a non-ace person, I wouldn't ask for it. Of course not. But do I have "the right" to take this asexual resource - one of the very few? I don't know. What i ended up doing was telling that person a bit about where i am, and she decided not to give me the scarf. It was a bit hurtful - mostly cause of the symbolism of it - though I don't think she understood what i was saying, anyway. But had I gotten it - perhaps it's seriously not my place to be taking it from some other asexual person, to be carrying that symbol, to be identifying that way publicly, I don't know. And I do believe it is meaningful. Yesterday Ch and I saw someone on the street wearing a bisexual pin on their hat. That was meaningful. Even just that visibility. Had we I realized they were actually straight, I would have felt uncomfortable with it. Though OTOH, had they told me they were some sort of something in the middle, i probably would have been OK with it. DK.
Anyway - <3
no subject
Date: 2013-12-20 04:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-23 12:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-31 01:08 am (UTC)Also, agreeing with meesasometimes about your lnon-penetration/masturbation story!
(Sorry for the late comment, December has been busy for me.)
no subject
Date: 2013-12-31 09:06 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked the gifs and (I hope) the post.
Thanks for the question, and hey, I totally get the busy! {}
no subject
Date: 2015-02-14 02:11 pm (UTC)I just wanted to let you know that it's nice to read that there are people who are (were?) struggling with similar things. It makes me feel less weird and that's something I'm grateful for.
no subject
Date: 2015-02-14 02:39 pm (UTC)Well, we should totally make up a name for this thing and\d just go ahead and be "those people". I consider it a sort of ace, at this point, and here are so so many sorts - why don't we get to have a sort name? I say we go for it .
no subject
Date: 2015-02-14 02:52 pm (UTC)It's true there is a lot of variation. I've read a couple of posts on AVEN by people who are more comfortable with a desire based definition who have decided to go with that. So it appears there's some discussion happening about how the community defines itself. I'm just wary of imposing. As of right now grey-a seems to be a relatively safe label to adopt for me.
no subject
Date: 2015-02-14 05:08 pm (UTC)