Dec. 19th, 2013

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This is for [ profile] nagasasu 's promt, and is part of the December Days meme. If you feel like it, you can prompt me too, here. Images aren't mine - linking back to where they're from.
[this is personal and intimate information. Read on only if you are comfortable being exposed to that, and if you appreciate and respect me sharing that, please.]

A few months ago, I realized I have this major thing for Praise Kink, which at the time was even more mind blowing to me, because it was a non-sexual thing. It was this new realization and it really rattled me. I walked around for a while in a constant state of being mind blown. How could this move me so deeply? How could I not have known, not even have imagined needing this?

It was somewhat like the first time I was (role play only) kissed by a guy as a guy. Then I went around for a couple of days just burning with it, feeling like I owned the world, and like I wanted to gobble it all up. It was life changing. But then it was sexual. I was turned on, in love with my own theoretical dick, I suddenly understood all those jackass guys who consider their cock the best thing in creation.

This was a lot like that, but it wasn't sexual. It was this big need, revelation. I kept thinking about it, experiencing it, craving it. I was (extremely) lucky to have a partner willing to give it a try, and that was amazing. And I was also very lucky to have a friend to talk it over with (you know who you are - thank you :)) . It seriously didn't go smoothly, plenty of misunderstandings and bumps in the road. And because it meant so much to me, and because I'm apparently more sensitive than I used to be, those hurt a lot.

It's still a thing I'm figuring out and exploring, but the major need for it has subsided. It somehow became more about subbing - a need I've kinda touched upon in the past, but never got to explore, I was almost always a Dom, and while I did is partially out of curiosity, as something fun or sexy, and to a small extent because it answered some need in me - generally I did it as a nice thing for other people. That was probably not the very best idea for me, I'm not good enough at being in touch with my own needs and boundaries to be safe doing that. And the people I played with didn't realize as a Dom I still needed to be safe and needed to be cared for. It's not an easy thing to do, though, I admit.

I like not having to Dom, though I believe that I do have that drive in me. Wanting to take someone apart and find out what's inside, wanting to get them in touch with their vulnerability, to get to see all that beauty, get them in touch with their pain, and make it better, to whatever extent I can, in a session, wanting to sooth, wanting to have things my way with out having to worry about every little thing (which is bullshit, Domming is all about exactly that, in many cases), wanting to know how to do something well, to have clear rules, clear communication about what works, how and why, wanting to feel in control, perhaps, though I believe it's more about my need to please, to do well, to get things right .

Subbing is a need I certainly feel, these days. It has to do with how helpless I feel most of the time, probably. My need to be reassured, to allow myself to be weak, unable, to be loved when I'm seriously not strong. It also probably has to do with reclaiming sexual violence for my own, as something - as sort of a way to make it better, to fix it...

And it's a way to get the negotiation, communication, legitimacy to say no, mutual attentiveness and carefulness that I need in any sexual/non-sexual such encounter, but is harder for me to insist on in "regular" sex. Not that I really have any of that, anymore.

I've recently started dating someone, and though I like her and am attracted to her, I found that I seriously don't want to actually have sex. Perhaps it's cause it's just a touchy subject for me. I've been assaulted several times, and in addition, I just wasn't aware that I "was allowed to" say no to sex I didn't actively want, "just because" of my feelings. Still working on that. I feel a little uncomfortable writing about that, because it takes my experiences away from me. It's such a stereotype, and I'm not sure the cliches are right about me. I need my experiences to stay belonging to me, and not be co-opted for either side of the pro/anti sex wars. Perhaps for other reasons.

Regardless, I've been wondering whether I want sex-sex at all. I don't know, not sure. I like some things, mostly making out things, though some of them are more sensual than sexual. But not only, that I know for sure. And I like them perhaps only with people I'm very very close with. ATM, there's no one I'd feel comfortable touching me sexually beyond that. And as for penetration - I asked myself about it, and the thought of never ever having to be penetrated again made me so happy and turned on I masturbated to it. Sharing this cause it amuses me. Don't know whether I'll always feel that way, but that isn't as relevant - feeling that way now/.

I wondered whether perhaps I was asexual after all, but from what I've read on AVEN, it's not about wanting or not wanting to have actual sex, but about being o not being sexually attracted to anyone. And I am definitely attracted to people, I just don't seem to want to have sex with them. Someone on the forums described it as the difference between enjoying the smell of coffee and wanting to actually drink coffee. I get that with croissants and fresh bread and popcorn. They smell so amazing, but I mostly don't enjoy eating them. Definitely not as much as I imagine enjoying them when i smell them. Not sure I'm writing off the asexuality thing, I definitely feel I'm *something*, but perhaps for now I need to figure out more what I feel and need ...


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