DVD Commentary Meme

[citrus_java]

Via the wonderful balder12 .

I haven't written all that much, but I really like the idea of this meme, so why not :)
(like my memes in general, feel free to change the rules a bit if you want to, no need to ask. Just no triggers and such, please)

Go to my AO3 page or my masterlist (or both, cause I've been bad about updating) and pick a passage from my stories, up to 500 words, and comment to this post with that selection (title or link to the story being excerpted will be very helpful).

I will then give you a DVD commentary on that snippet: what I was thinking when I wrote it, why I wrote it in the first place, what's going on in the characters' heads, why I chose certain words, what this moment means in the context of the rest of the story, awful puns [perhaps], and anything else that you'd expect to find on a DVD commentary track. You can ask me anything - character motivation, writing process, or if you disagree with the direction I took in a story, ask me to defend it.

Comments

[frozen_delight]

This is a fun idea. And a nice way of discovering your writing. Here's the passage I'd like to hear more about (whatever comes to your mind, preferably something to do with the books and Sam and Dean's relationship):

It sort of amazed Sam the Men of Letters bothered to put complex dust prevention spells on the place, to create acoustics specific to different book sections, but didn't bother to catalogue most of the books. Particularly with all those junior Men of Letters in training, cheap educated labor force, eager to prove themselves. Sam could imagine spending his summer vacation cataloging, peaceful stacks of books, the whole world muffled in soft carpeting, and all that interesting knowledge and beauty at his fingertips. He would have done that for sure, just for credit the false hope of a chance at a TA position.

Sam shook cobwebs out of his hair, breathing the scent of old paper. It was very close to the scent of the Conroe library he'd spent weeks doing research in when he was twelve, and they were living in Cut and Shoot, Texas. It wasn't urgent research, just a little work to help out Bobby. It had been a kindness to dad, away for weeks hunting near the northern border. A kindness to Sam maybe, made up to keep him occupied while Dean was at work.

He'd spent most of his time curled up between the shelves, not sitting by the neon-lit tables. No one talked to him for hours, for most of the day. Not a lot of people drawn to the ancient languages shelf over summer vacation. It was good. In the evenings Dean would come pick him up, damp and smelling of machine oil, flashing his grin at Sam alone, and they'd walk the five miles back to the motel together, along the highway, as the huge open sky started to contrast against the stars.

The scent was the same, comforting and thick. Almost juicy. Brought back the feeling of thick, unbleached pages under his fingers, the cool scent of metal shelves high above the rich earthy books scents all around. The feel of Dean's roughening hands, black dug into the patterns on his skin, showing off the intricate swirly lines.

It's from "A Cup of Tea Large Enough".

[citrusjava.livejournal.com]

Thanks for checking out my writing! :)

Sam and dBooks:
People talk and write so much about Sam being a people person and Dean being awkward and bad with people. And that's partially true - Sam is much better with people (OK, till season 8, perhaps ). But that might be because Sam handles being around people. He never told Jess who he really was - he doesn't expect people to like him for himself, or all of him at once... Dean does. Dean might not expect people to like things like his fondness of cosplay or less manly stuff - but that's different from feeling you need to be a whole other person. Now, I believe there's a lot of honestly ro Sam's people persona, but I belive Sam doesn't feel he can be himself, feels he's gotta make up a good story, always, always, can never just be Sam (if he even knows what that is). For all that he's the one who left.

I'm not sure about Sam's common characterization as a research geek. So much of Sam's life is about what *has* to be done, about surviving (or not) th forces of evil, and his own family. Sam is so very used to putting his own needs and wants aside. I am not at all sure he knows what they are. Dean has a million quirks and hobbies. I'd really like for Sam to have one. For me, that might involve going back to a vulnerable Sam, that's, of course, still part of our current Sam. So I went with this characterization, even though I'm not sure I accept it, because I wanted Sam to have something of his own, like Dean's room, I wanted something happy and some subjectivity for Sam at the bunker (then Bat Cave). Also, it was so really meaningful that Dan accepted Sam as a researcher - perhaps getting a bit over the whole "Sam leaving for collage " thing - I wanted to go with that.

The Winchesters' relationship:
Hm, one of my favorite things about Dean and Sam's relationship is the way it blurs the lines between gen and shipping (not the only one of course). Most of my stories, I'm not sure how to label. The sit in that special place that is all Dean and Sam's, not entirely on either side of this. So many gen stories absolutely satisfy my shippiness. In Sam and Dean's world, Sam can spend his days waiting to hold this guy's hand and look at the stars, waiting mostly to get this guy's attention on Sam in a way that makes Sam feel loved and special, can notice his scent, the texture of his hands, with such loving familiarity that he remembers it about twenty years later - and still it might not mean "first love" in the sense of "crush", "far away", perhaps not in the sense of "jerking off in the bathroom". Or it could. For me, each option is touching, fresh and wonderful, as well as radical.

[balder12.livejournal.com]

The realization explodes in his chest with pain and relief. He is not Dean, not the real one. There is another Dean out there, one who stands a chance of stopping this. To figure out what's happening with Cas before - Dean doesn't know before what, but it can't be good.
Dean wants to –

He grabs for Cas' leg as Cas passes, and Cas startles, bends down to Dean, clinging to ruthless irritation.

"Cas", Dean says, more croak than word.

Cas looks at him, lips soft, like he wants to take Dean in, like he could burry his head in Dean's chest and cry. Dean wants to pat Cas' back and make it all better. To figure out that thing inside of him and fix it. Mortifying things Dean would never say, would never allow himself to think.

But he is not really Dean. Almost for sure. He is not Dean, so he can just do whatever he fucking wants to.

Cas moves two fingers towards Dean's forehead, with great effort. Stops before he could touch. Zones in and out, internal struggle.

Dean bullies his less twisted arm into lifting, just a little. Managed tolput it on Cas' face, leans it on Cas' jaw, and the corner of Cas' lips is just as soft as he'd thought it would be. Annoying, to be - Dean could just – if he could move or Cas just moved -

Cas' eyes widen, shocked, blessed, then suspicious. He leans in slowly, like he's dropping, floating, breath coming out of him warm, deflating. So close to Dean -

This is not helping his struggle. Cas closes his eyes, concentrating, but that – but it isn't –

Cas pulls away from Deans hand and looks at it, long and wry. Then, wild and jerky, he moves his own hand away from Dean's forehead.

"You're not really him", he says. Explaining, hoping for forgiveness.

Then everything stops.


I'd love to hear how you came up with the idea of writing from the pov of a duplicate Dean, which I love, and how how you ended up writing D/C. :D Side note: looking at this fic again reminded me that we had an early, 'getting to know you' conversation in the comments, which I'd totally forgotten.

[balder12.livejournal.com]

The fic is "In Their Time Of," by the way.

[citrusjava.livejournal.com]

OK, so - in my early(er) days in fandom, I was developing my taste in fic - in this fandom, and also rediscovering the world of fic, and being seriously into a fandom, a ship. And there were things I didn't like in fic, pretty much ever, and decided to just not write (if I was gonna write, which I wasn't):
AU, deathfic, Destiel, perfect gay couple J2 that's less based on their actual characteristics and the author's analysis of it.
And then I just found myself writing all of that :-)

I was working on a lighthearted list of things to never ever do in fic, I don't know what I had there, but it started something like:
1) Never kill Dean
2) NEVER KILL DEAN
3) Never Kill Sam
4) Don't let Dean know not killing Sam is only addressed on the third point

( I'd read this cruel cruel deathfic in which the author played around with the warnings to make it seem like it wasn't going to be a deathfic - cruel ) -
and then I go and break my first rules..

How I got to writing this is -I have a thing against - series' feeling so comfortable killing characters that "aren't the real ones".
There's a Voyager episode in which there's trouble with an alternative universe, and *one of the characters dies*, one of the shows characters dies!!! and they just save the alternative universe character instead, and he's just like him, so who really cares, right? (I might be doing this an injustice here, I should say I watched this very very long ago). But as I recall it - *they killed off one of the main characters*,and nobody cared, really ,cause they got a replacement. So close enough, right? Their best friends slash lover died, but no - there is somebody close enough around.
Anyway.
Don't even get me started on teleporters - they don't teleport. They evaporate a person on one side and create a replica of them on the other side. They die every time they "teleport". WTF.


so the whole "here is a room full of Deans - and they have his emotions, and history and love and everything" (or are they just imaginary ? Does it matter ? DK)- and "hah hah - you thought Cas just killed Dean but he totally didn't ! Dean's fine! And non of those Deans matter at all! "
So, like a lot of my fic (at the time ? ) - I wrote this to make my point.


These Deans matter... like all those fic Deans matter - Dean matters. yeah.



As for it being Dean/Cas - I felt so out of my element writing this without shipping it, IIRC I ended up not sharing it on any Destiel communities - I just felt too ignorant to do that ...

I was watching the episode, so filled with Dean/Cas slashiness, - in past fandoms I often used to just be happy for friends' ships I didn't share, and that was my original approach to D/C, but here for the first time I found myself in a ship war, and it's like if one ship gets subtext it "proves it's real" and the other isn't... Wasn't used to that going on around me ,so the slashiness felt bittersweet at the time ....

ETA: Oh! And another thing!
According to me-of-then,
had SP N been a normal fandom, there would have been a bunch of orgy fics for that scene - perhaps right away.
But (according to now-me) - SPN is perhaps more about relationships and emotions than about lighthearted silly sexytimes? Am I making a wild generalization here ?

[citrusjava.livejournal.com]

looking at this fic again reminded me that we had an early, 'getting to know you' conversation in the comments, which I'd totally forgotten

Aww, I'm so glad you're in my life <3 <3 <3