It took me a while to reply, both because of schedule-y things and because I was so deeply touched by this I neeeded a moment. Thank you, so much, thank you. You don't know how much this means for me.
this fic.. I had this sense, this magic thing I saw, and needed and wanted, and wanted to eshare too - and was pretty sure was not going to get through and no one would get, it was so... fleeting and unknown for me as well...
And when I thought seriously no one would get it, perhaps no one even read it - o - you got it so deeply and saw things there that I hadn't realized and o, THANK YOU....
I love
that you noticed so many things about it... so many little choices and things I was trying to do. I love that she loves Nicki Minaj too, and thank you for what you said about transbordered bodies, I wouldn't have known to say that, to conceive of it the way those words bring forth; - and thank you for your choice of excerpt, it's spot-on, better than my summary by far.
Her names - I wanted to play on the, you know, the Gandalf thing, the character who has so many names cause they're important in many places and ways - I wanted to combine that with the heartbreaking realization I had some years ago, that social disempowerment would in most cases be part of a road trip, like it or not, no escape, that it's so often a white straight men thing for a reason, and the texts I love that try to break that are working against something, oppression travels with you. I was trying to figure out a way to convey through her POV - she runs with some scary crowds, perhaps oppression riding shotgun is not that different from other scary companions... and I figured she'd know these meanings her body (etc) holds because she'd be told - like everybody - and it came together. ...
Regarding the agency - she must know - at least by now- that she is both saving but also - not- because - really - this loving worrk of hers, its compassionate aspects - towards who could she be compassionate but who that being is then, the others - the wolf cannot be "fixed", be like in the past - who would she be? How would she be completely each of those tthings she is from? But she also can't be other or completely disconnected from them, she is built out of them... I used to have a notion that it was a bad idea to, say, tattoo someone's name on myself (not that I have) - because if we broke up or such, I wouldn't then, be able to go back to being "my original " and "clean", you know? But leaving or returning isn't "un-becoming" and original isn't a concrete thing... - marks much greater influence my life and my me - making them visible has meaning, but is not the difference between changing back and not being able to. And it's maybe OK - re Dean - there is grief to be had fro that beloved Dean that has been. but reverting isn't necessarily being new, free or exactly able- Dean was not - moving forward can have elements of those things... IDK As Sam, I would probably most insist about Dean not being in hell - any Dean, whatever that means - Sam's world is much more concrete with closed categories - still, I believe he would choose that - even if it meant never getting Dean - his Dean - back, letting go for a possible chance to magic his own Dean back somehow... kinda different from the way Dean was about Sam's addiction. Dean, I suspect, would have also chosen to get Sam back - but more out of a sense of urgency and a sense that if he disregarded the identity chick talk, and if he disregarded the warnings, charging through would be ok - and then he would have had to come to terms with Sam being different after. He probably would have found a way to be guilty about it.
no subject
Thank you, so much, thank you. You don't know how much this means for me.
this fic.. I had this sense, this magic thing I saw, and needed and wanted, and wanted to eshare too - and was pretty sure was not going to get through and no one would get, it was so... fleeting and unknown for me as well...
And when I thought seriously no one would get it, perhaps no one even read it - o - you got it so deeply and saw things there that I hadn't realized and o, THANK YOU....
I love
that you noticed so many things about it... so many little choices and things I was trying to do.
I love that she loves Nicki Minaj too, and thank you for what you said about transbordered bodies, I wouldn't have known to say that, to conceive of it the way those words bring forth; - and thank you for your choice of excerpt, it's spot-on, better than my summary by far.
Her names - I wanted to play on the, you know, the Gandalf thing, the character who has so many names cause they're important in many places and ways - I wanted to combine that with the heartbreaking realization I had some years ago, that social disempowerment would in most cases be part of a road trip, like it or not, no escape, that it's so often a white straight men thing for a reason, and the texts I love that try to break that are working against something, oppression travels with you. I was trying to figure out a way to convey through her POV - she runs with some scary crowds, perhaps oppression riding shotgun is not that different from other scary companions... and I figured she'd know these meanings her body (etc) holds because she'd be told - like everybody - and it came together. ...
Regarding the agency - she must know - at least by now- that she is both saving but also - not- because - really - this loving worrk of hers, its compassionate aspects - towards who could she be compassionate but who that being is then, the others - the wolf cannot be "fixed", be like in the past - who would she be? How would she be completely each of those tthings she is from? But she also can't be other or completely disconnected from them, she is built out of them... I used to have a notion that it was a bad idea to, say, tattoo someone's name on myself (not that I have) - because if we broke up or such, I wouldn't then, be able to go back to being "my original " and "clean", you know? But leaving or returning isn't "un-becoming" and original isn't a concrete thing... - marks much greater influence my life and my me - making them visible has meaning, but is not the difference between changing back and not being able to. And it's maybe OK - re Dean - there is grief to be had fro that beloved Dean that has been. but reverting isn't necessarily being new, free or exactly able- Dean was not - moving forward can have elements of those things... IDK As Sam, I would probably most insist about Dean not being in hell - any Dean, whatever that means - Sam's world is much more concrete with closed categories - still, I believe he would choose that - even if it meant never getting Dean - his Dean - back, letting go for a possible chance to magic his own Dean back somehow... kinda different from the way Dean was about Sam's addiction. Dean, I suspect, would have also chosen to get Sam back - but more out of a sense of urgency and a sense that if he disregarded the identity chick talk, and if he disregarded the warnings, charging through would be ok - and then he would have had to come to terms with Sam being different after. He probably would have found a way to be guilty about it.