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I am feeling lonely and sad, and the winter holidays coming remind me of how lonely I was last Christmas (it was good to be on my own with my boundaries, but also very alone, and it was one of the coldest winters), and ok - maybe I shouldn't be writing about that now....

Anyway - I'm gonna tray to do the Snowflake Challenge - they did say no deadline, so!

Day 1

In your own space, post a rec for at least three fanworks that you have created. It can be your favorite fanworks that you've created, or fanworks you feel no one ever saw, or fanworks you say would define you as a creator. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

Return is one of my most important fics for me. A lot of my soul is in it, and for me it is one of my best and most meaningful. I might have though of it as bad or unworthy, but it is almost impossible to do with enthusiastic encouragement like [ profile] kalliel's (THANK YOU, you amazing person, whenever you read this! <3)
Pairing: background Dean/Sam
Rating: gen
Summary: Outsiders would tell you, sometimes tell her at toll booths or rest stops, that she is fat, and hairy, and old. Some people call her things for that. She has many names.

Save You from the Dragons is one of the very first podfics I'd managed to complete editing (because editing is made of torturous hell). I was still so naive, at awe and in love with this show, my show.... I'd recorded some other podfics trying to please my recipient(s) and forcing myself a little bit too far off of where I was comfortable with.
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: pg-13
Summary: During Sam's demon blood detox, he talks.
Warnings: background canon forced withdrawal, written as fluffy

Then there are Celebrate You, Baby and Try to Do it as Beautifully
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You guys. I am so omg so eee. I am so pleased and happy - just hangin out with a huge huge smile like an idiot, I am so so happy with this.

Kalliel recorded podfic for my story Return.

THANK YOU [ profile] kalliel!

Title: Return
Author: [ profile] citrusjava
Reader: [ profile] kalliel
Genre: gen, m/m, experimental, outsider POV
Characters: OFC, Winchesters
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Word Count/Length: 841 words / 5 minutes
Summary: Outsiders would tell you, sometimes tell her at toll booths or rest stops, that she is fat, and hairy, and old. Some people call her things for that. She has many names.
Link to Podfic: Dropbox
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There is no new episode right now, but here's a nip of what could happen after last week's episode.

Title: But Don't Give Yourself Away
Relationship: Sam/Dean
Time: 02:08
Spoilers: 923, Do You Believe in Miracles
Notes: Sometimes, when I've had a rough day or twenty, I want to create something, put something in the world that I made happen. Little act of subjectivity. This is one of those.

Summary: This is what could have happened right after the ending of Do You Believe in Miracles

Stream or Download
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This is my post for [ profile] tebtosca's fandom voice thing. I really wanna hear yours too, fandom friends! So go post replies as well!

It is a kinda blushy and strangely heartfelt entry. In which I blab about love love love, Wincest, incet, the apocalypse, gender dysphoria and my first date with my partner. In short - some random fandom related really personal things to tell the 3-4 strangers who might hear this. Recorded with lots of love for fandom and the show.

Gonna try to embed this here:
citrus_java: (Default)
This is for [ profile] cantarina1 's prompt, and is part of the December Days meme. If you feel like it, you can prompt me too, here. Image isn't mine - linking back to where it's from.

I love podfic for so many reasons. These are only a few. First, the community around it seems to be really cool, a lot of awesome people. I had the pleasure of meeting some wonderful people through podfic, such as [ profile] nickelmountain and [ profile] applegeuse/ I like that the community is pretty socially aware, and friendly, and open to experimentation. I think I'd like to get to know the community better.

My early days in podfic
Last year I fell head over heels, deeply, for Dean, Sam, Jensen and Jared. With podfic, they were with me a lot of the time - some of the most amazing, best stories of the fandom going with me, holding my hand, inspiring me, fascinating, shocking, turning me on, making me fall for the characters and the fandom more, too, getting to know them better. It was meaningful, still is. It was about them and about fandom and about myself.

I react to the fic in my ears. I have laughed, gasped, stopped to just breathe with scenes that had a lot of impact. On the bus, on the street, at the shop, at uni, at the library - I'm that freak. But it's fun to care about what I'm listening to, and why not allow myself to smile or laugh or even cry, without having to explain myself to people. And it's good to have an option to have this thing going that is mine, and disconnected from where I am or what I'm experiencing. You can call it a safe word, only it's often for things I never consented to to begin with. You can call it escapism, but that's only partially true. IMO. Perhaps call it a lifeline (sometimes).

More personal reasons
Podfic is mobile home, comfort, a place to hide, something that reminds me of part of myself. A sanctuary of subjectivity. A sort of resistance, even if just for me. Gives me strength to deal, gives me a sort of armor sometimes.

There's a particular street where I'm always sexually harassed and/or harassed for being fat. When I have to walk there, I need podfic in my headphones. When I'd flee from fights with family, and just wander around outside feeling helpless, I held onto podfic - for balance, for perspective, or just to cope - for good or bad.. Something good before I had to go back and face things.

When I had to go to my mom's house, last time before we stopped talking, I was seriously scared. I listened to podfic. In my mind, I went in with fandom-Jensen, with his caring attitude and that empathic charm in his smiling eyes, holding my hand, and fandom-Jared - bouncy sweet and smart, protective and earnest and silly , holding the other. I made it through that.

A couple of months ago, uni decided to force people to show picture ID in order to get into campus. I don't want to, since it feels intrusive, and I want to be an ally to people whose ID can endanger them, and also - being genderqueer, my ID doesn't have the right gender on it. And I hate hate hate having to present it. So every time I needed to get into campus, I'd have to go through an intentionally draining and somewhat humiliating process with campus police. I started dreading going to uni. Perhaps I'll just skip this class, or I don't have the energy to go through that just to get to the library. Podfic was something to get me there, to give me the energy and comfort to still do it.

One of the reasons it works for me, is - It's an imagined ally, I can pretend to myself that those people would have understood my weird ramblings about gender or whatever, that I have that, have someone like that. It's something to hold onto, and that's meaningful, thta can make the difference. For me. It's the main reason I am still not over, still talking about real-Jensen's attitude about bisexuality.

Readers <3
With some readers, it feels intimate - sharing the love for the story or the characters. I love hearing emotion in readers' voices, and I often like it when they are "present" rather than "transparent", like that they share with me something of them. The character's feelings that they identify with, or their feelings about the story. And it's not about how bouncy the reading is - some very subtle readings convey so much beautiful emotion. And then other readers let the story be most noticeable, just give it space, clean. I don't notice their reading, they allow me to dive into the story and forget that it's just fic. Which is very generous, respectful - a gift. Those readers make space for me as a listener to be attentive to the story, the characters, the way the story makes me feel, sometimes. To listen to myself or lose the world in it.

Some readers make all the difference.

Still, I often don't know how to give feedback to readers, especially since my taste is basically my quirks. Probably shouldn't say "I really enjoyed how you stumbled over your words when the plot became dramatic, it was real, sweet, and I identified with you", "I didn't notice your reading at all! Thank you" or even "I've come to associate your voice with good things" - and I'm never sure whether people would want to hear how sexy I find their reading or voice, so mostly just I shut up about that.

On a different note - Happy birthday!
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These are for [ profile] fantamae, as part of the [ profile] cakehole_club Cakeswap podfic exchange. It's *so* late, and [ profile] fantamae and the mods, [ profile] applegeuse and [ profile] fishpatrol, were so fantastic about it.
OMG, I'm done. It's been months, so many months, and I AM DONE!
(imperfections galore, but done!)

Title: Thought Your Coffee Table Was More Clever than That
Author: [ profile] queenklu
Reader: [ profile] citrusjava
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: Mature
Length: 16:56
Author's Summary: He woke up in the bathroom of a KFC once; this is practically a luxury.
Download or stream

Title: Rhymes with Niagara
Author: [ profile] sevenfists
Reader: [ profile] citrusjava
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Rating: NC-17
Length: 07:31
Summary: Dean gets hit by the Viagra Fairy at a rest stop in Illinois.
Download or stream

Title: Cheese
Author: Queenklu
Reader: CitrusJava
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Warning: mention of drug use
Rating: PG-13
Length: 03:18
Summary: Dean gets high
Download or stream

Title: Sparkles
Author: Queenklu
Reader: CitrusJava
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG
Length: 05:31
Summary: Unrequited love, the internet and a big talk in the Impala.
Download or stream

Title: Save You from the Dragons
Author: Queenklu
Reader: CitrusJava
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Warning: Head of a Pin spoilers, going through withdrawal
Rating: PG-13
Length: 04:16
Summary: As Sam goes through withdrawal, he gets talkative.
Download or stream

Title: Wear Him Like a Habit
Author: Sevenfists
Reader: CitrusJava
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Rating: R
Length: 15:10
Summary: He's hard in his jeans—Sam can see it, and he can see the hot flush rising up Dean's neck, but Dean's still stopping. Download or stream.
citrus_java: (Default)
Title: The One You'll Know By
Author: [personal profile] roque_clasique
Reader: [personal profile] nickelmountain
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Gen
Length: 00:27:42
Reader's Summary: None given by author. Pre-series, John Winchester's POV. Representative quote: "He just can’t drive anymore until he sits in some air conditioning for five goddamn minutes and cools down, literally and figuratively, before he accidentally murders one of his kids."

Rec: I must have listened to this one over ten times. The reading is beautiful, nuanced, earnest, moving and intimate. I love the way Nickelmountain's voice lets the emotions flow through it rather than trying to present and explain them.

The story is beautiful. The dynamics between Sam and Dean, and between Dean and John, come across in an easy way, touching, sometimes funny, and just very real. Excellent characterization (though too one-sided, to my taste). I love the way exasperation, frustration, caring, impatience, love, hope, and all those unmet needs swivel around each other. A million little details that make me feel like I'm there with this family, the heat of the day and the AC, boogers, shoelaces, Tootsie Pops and all.

citrus_java: (Default)
This is a fucking awesome reading. Also - road trip, monsters, outside of society, dodging the police, in a friggin Impala, guns, knives, impersonating authority figures, car trunk full of illegal stuff, rock tape played over and over again, dealing with civilians, warnings for... yeah - - yeah

citrus_java: (Default)
Late for class this morning.
Honest reason - my player stopped working, so I didn't have my morning podfic to make getting up after 3 hours of sleep more bearable.
Porn is so much better than coffee.

Also - goodbye, story notes I recorded on the bus (mostly rewritten, I hope), and goodbye, partial story draft I'm not sure I can rewrite properly :/


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