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[personal profile] citrus_java
I just wanted to share this, because it was meaningful for me.

This is possibly the most author’s notes I’ve written. I wanted to add something more personal, about how writing this was for me- just because I wanted to share.

This is the third fic I’ve tried to write for this exchange, and it's kind of about why I was not able to write the previous ones.

I was trying to writ this epic love ship, my ship.... and I felt like it was partially lying. Then I watched the third new episode of Gilmore Girls and knew I had to write this – to write something more honest. Not trying to be what it could be, or was once, what I missed so so badly - but how I've been feeling about canon more and more strongly, harder to ignore, for so so so so long.

This started out as gen, as just what I’ve been feeling watching my show. I wrote this as a lament over my love, my boys.... For so long I've been feeling that Dean was held back, switched off, out of character or on the character level, scrabbling too to be who he was, or who he was supposed to be - like always, but now more painful maybe.

This was written crying over being left....ship, my beloved ship that I literally wanted to have with me for always ( I’ve gone to some crazy fangirl lengths, believe me) – was still there – the show hasn’t ended like I’d feared for so long, it still looked as if it were there – and every episode I hoped all over again, in my heart of hearts, and every time, almost every time, it was not there anymore, or was it….

This was written while crying my eyes out over my boys, my ship. I tried to record a sketch of a Wish You Were Here cover to go with it, but it came out looking so sad it seemed over the top, so I let it go....

This was my goodbye, of sorts. I could not get over season 10 and the way it was not ever resolved. But since season 8 I’d felt like Dean, or Jensen, or the writing or idk - was pushing me away, was leaving without leaving....
I didn’t manage to properly convey my feelings in the story, not properly well, but it’s true. It hurts so much every time. And it makes me feel so isolated, and it makes me doubt myself....

This isn't - like - my final word about this fandom or ship, at least I hope it's not- for some reason I somehow feel like "talking about it" like the boys don't do in that ficc - helps.... (though imo, fic!Dean has depression and still loves Sammy, and talking would do a million good - while idk how to talk with an entire fandom or tv show or ship, I mean - writing is a way - though otoh but depression may not be the issue for canon.... - )

OK, enough about me and this....

[ profile] amypond45 generously invited her gifter to write what they need to write. I didn’t intend to do that, but I guess I did…. I hope this doesn't make it suck..........

Wish You Were Here

ETA: so, I posted this and it disappeared. If it was not eaten by LJ but accidentally posted to a community or something, please tell me so I can delete it from there....
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