Jan. 23rd, 2016

citrus_java: (Default)
[mentions of sexuality, asexuality, sex repulsion, assault, abuse, and, well, navel gazing, but that's nothing new here....]


So I'm in this online group of people whose research has anything to do with gender studies.

And this woman comes in - she is writing a seminary paper about women's sexual liberation and is asking for recommendations for resources about how women can free themselves from the bonds of oppression and be sexually free.

And everyone's - um.... - because it's - so many assumptions, disturbing disturbing assumptions, and it's this polite group where everyone pretends to be polite and no one says "omg, you have at least forty years of feminism to go before we can even communicate!"....

So people offered her some things - a paper about rape culture that she claimed to have found and read in 12 minutes, a paper about the nature of consent, and a paper about sex not being all that horrible despite what feminists say.... which she ruled out too....

Then a few hours later, nighttime and people talk differently at night. Someone else came in, and asked whether there are, in fact, and known sex positive feminists who are straight. On the assumption that men are the worst to have sex with. So we're joking about that and kinda googling and trying to come up with people (found at least one, btw), and saying that since you can be straight and sex repulsed, you can be straight and sex positive and never have sex in actuality, just support sex.

And someone grumbles that she's not straight but she still sleeps with guys, etc etc - and the original posted pops in and says - yes - I'm sex repulsed, that is why I am writing this paper, to try and fix it....

Which is so completely different from the "why are you being mean towards men" that I'd braced myself for....



I told her that - it might be completely irrelevant for her, but thatit took me ages to find anyone like me, so just in case - that I was so relieved and happy to discover that I was allowed to just - not want sex, if I didn't want to! That it was ok to just stay that way and that I never, ever, had to do it again if I didn't want i! And that if I felt like trying - that was cool! And if I liked just tiny thing and not the rest - cool! An that wanting to change it is totally fine too, but that it really is not a must! ~jazz hands~



I was expecting her to be proper and say thanks, no - but she said - something wistful about courage - said that she just had to - first of all - want sex, find a way to get over the influences of sexual oppression like she should have already done, that only once she's sexual she'll be able to know whether she want is really, that was why she was writing this paper, because she had to want sex, for her boyfriend.... that she didn't want to be asexual, for him....

it was friggin heartbreaking!
Bubblewrap and cocoa and a bi "No!" sign in case she needs it, you know....

So we're having this conversation, she writes a question/comment and deletes it, I reply and delete it, so she knows no one is going to find out about her.... late night conversations, you know....

I'm giving her the shpeel - you don't have to be asexual to not want to have sex, influences of oppression are not our fault and we don't deserve to both suffer from it and be blamed for suffering, it's ok to want to change, no one deserve to have sex they don't want, ....

and she friggin comes out to me as ace.


So the opposite of the person I assumed was writing all of this earlier....
I tried to be reassuring and encouraging, you know....
and it was such a throwback to always always being THAT PERSON, or everyone gay, bi, then trans or non-binary (and poly, queer, family, questioning ffs) - I forgot how good it felt to be able to help someone like that.... I forgot how draining it is, too....but I forgot how comforting it is to be able to really make a difference for somebody.... to have a way to help, to feel for them and actually be able to do something good - without it causing complete destruction for me....

I am ambivalent about taking that role - it was part of my abuse back when, not to mention - things like - one of the guys who assaulted me first used me for this, things like that - and being that person was NOT always consensual....

but
it felt real nice to be able to help, made me feel worthwhile, confident, capable, and just - happy for her, comforted because she seemed to feel better, maybe....

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